I think we waste a child's eleventh year by not raising topics with them that we feel will be beyond their emotional capacity. The age of eleven is a golden year to absorb some important life lessons, and if we don't feel equipped to do these lessons justice, we need to find a trustworthy mentor for the eleven year old to handle these topics for us. As a mentor, I'm not recommending a fourteen- or sixteen-year old, because yes, they're older, but three or five years older is just a hiccup in terms of emotional development.
Why is eleven such a great age for clear-headedly absorbing life lessons? Because you can't just suggest something to an eleven-year-old and have them start doing that thing before they turn twelve. You need to let it percolate in their eleven-year-old brain for a long while. It's the same as teaching ethics. An eleven-year-old is generally keenly aware of issues of justice and injustice, and they're ready to give you chapter and verse of a whole range of ethical dilemmas they've experienced. Their thinking is not at all nuanced; it's black or it's white, hot or cold, the truth or a lie, honest or dishonest.
One of the important lessons they'll need to imbibe is, how do we break up with someone as kindly and firmly as possible? This could be a friendship or it could be a romantic relationship; it's basically the same thing when you are telling someone that you need to put some distance between the two of you.
Now, talking to an eleven-year-old about being in a relationship may seem early, but when the child is eleven, you're conveying a corollary message to them: you're saying, I have confidence that you are a person worth being in a relationship with. Even at eleven, that's a confidence booster. They'll be all ears, and feel that they are learning the secrets of the pyramids.
And here are the secrets of the pyramids (just in case you need a refresher):
1. Start with saying something positive about the other person. "I really respect the way you stand up for things you believe in". "You have so much compassion for animals/vulnerable people/little kids." "You have such a generous spirit". "I admire how good you are at gymnastics/school/music".
2. Make sure it's just the two of you having this conversation. Don't have anyone else present.
3. Sit or walk side by side while you're having this conversation. Don't be facing each other.
4. Tell them you've thought a lot about it, and you are confident about your decision.
5. Let them save face by agreeing it was a mutual decision. Tell them you won't gossip behind their back.
Offer to give the eleven-year-old a refresher in a few weeks just in case they've forgotten.
And that, dear reader, is how it's done.
